Ukrainian Orthodoxy		Orthodoxie ukrainienne

Some Thoughts on Forgiveness

Very Reverend Ihor Kutash kutash@unicorne.org

In a recent Psychology Today magazine there was a brief article about a most important subject on which I frequently find it necessary to meditate. It is entitled "Forgiveness - Serious Stuff or Fluff?" Drawing upon the research done by Drs. Robert Enright and Suzanne Freedman, the article makes it clear that forgiveness is indeed a powerful resource for personal health.

The research was the result of work done with a group of people for whom forgiveness must certainly be immensely difficult - one might even question whether it ought to attempted! They were incest survivors. Understandably, not a single one expressed any desire to forgive the persons who had done this terrible deed to them. Half of those interviewed were assigned to some workshops on forgiveness anyway. The result was that not only did all of them eventually forgive those who had hurt them, but a year later they reported far less anxiety and depression than another control group who had not gone through the forgiveness process. A dramatic affirmation of the wisdom of that most beloved prayer of Christians which says: "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors".

The Psychology Today article makes it clear, however, that forgiving does not mean letting the guilty party off the hook. "It’s not excusing or forgetting - it’s giving up resentment that you’re entitled to (my emphasis)" Dr. Enright says that the paradox is that "by giving this gift to the other, it is the gift-giver who becomes psychologically healed (my emphasis again). This point can not be over-emphasized. Many of us find it hard to forgive because often the things we are asked to forgive are things that really did hurt us and we were justified in feeling offended This is not always the case - sometimes the hurt was not intended and it is a matter of wrong perceptions on our part. But even these "imaginary" offenses can hurt just as much as if they were intended, so for all practical purposes we can treat them the same way as all other hurts.

The point is that unless and until we forgive we shall be the ones suffering - while those who gave us the real or imaginary injury go Scott-free! In other words, unless and until we forgive we continue to give the perpetrators the power to continue the pain they have inflicted upon us. Peace and restoration come when we forgive.

Note also that forgiving does not mean letting people off the hook by excusing or forgetting about the hurt they have done. There are consequences to every action. If an action - or a word or even a thought - were good then there are good consequences. If, however they were bad then there are bad consequences. When we forgive, we give up resentment. We give up trying to get even - by the way it is usually not possible to literally "get even" - what we call by that name is simply doing another bad deed to get back at the one who did such a deed to us. It does not really make us "even", since this new deed was either less or more serious than the one that preceded it. All we do by this wasteful and destructive activity is prolong the chain of evil deeds. We actually make evil stronger and thus make it less likely that the world will ever become a better place for us or our children or theirs.

There could be wonderful consequences if we stopped trying to "get even" and instead tried to forgive.  Yes, I do mean "tried", because forgiveness is a process and not a simply a state (especially not a state of emotional tranquility) of mind that is easily achieved after we have simply stated: "I forgive".   Of course the statement in itself is an important step in that process - but the process continues.  I hope to continue this discussion in a future message.  God bless you all!

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